Identifying As Asexual When You Are Always Horny AF

Updated: Apr 15


My sexuality has been going through a whole slew of changes of late. I have experimented with and considered all manner of sexual expression on my journey toward sexual agency. For a while, I found that nothing was quite right for me. I beat myself up about not even wanting to have sex. Especially because I am always so extremely horny.


I was frustrated because none of my sexual partners really made me feel as good as I made myself feel. Particularly because when I masturbate, I feel all the things I want to feel - love, pleasure, acceptance, freedom, intimacy. I don't even have to touch myself. It's all in my mind. At most I'll hump a pillow. Why then was I so let down when I was afforded the opportunity to have sex with other people?


At first, I charged myself with narcissism and often guilted myself into intercourse. Still afterward, I knew it wasn't good for me and I felt bad for putting my body through something that was clearly unnecessary and harmful even. The horrifically hurtful encounters with other people led me to realize it wasn't them but sharing myself with them that freaked me out. Made me not myself. Robbed me of myself. Yet for so long, it never occurred to me that if I was my best sexual partner, then that would do.


I hadn't identified as asexual because I am indeed incredibly sexual. I thought being asexual meant you had no sexual feelings at all. After doing some research, I found some clarity. I know I am not aromantic because I fall in love a lot and easily. I am not demisexual because I have had sexual feelings toward people I did not necessarily care for.


After much consideration, I figured I might be gray-sexual. I have never been particularly fond of labels, so I enjoyed the fluidity of this space. Nonetheless, I felt compelled to continue to scrutinize my sexuality in order to avoid hurting myself and others in the future.


Then I became celibate for several reasons including spiritual ones, and I began noticing an incredible level of clarity about my sexual identity. I began to love my body again and my sex was finally positive. A few times I would fall off the wagon, succumbing to societal pressure to "find someone" and not "die alone". And after all, I was horny, so I thought why not? Again these encounters would disintegrate me and solidify the idea that it wasn't sex, but sex with other people that was unhealthy for my personal development.


Then finally, I came across the term monosexuality which is often used to describe those who are attracted to one sex only as opposed to bisexuals or pansexuals. But the term was first used by Austrian-Hungarian journalist and human rights activist Karl-Maria Kertbeny who is credited for having conceived the terms homosexual and heterosexual. In his 1869 pamphlets against the Prussian sodomy law, Kertbeny used the term monosexual to describe a sexual orientation that was characterized by masturbation.


That was it! Finally, I understand myself as an incredibly sexual being. My heart and my genitals are always on and eager for stimulation. I have an insatiable desire to love and be loved physically and emotionally now and for the rest of my life. It just turns out that I am the best man for the job. Self-love is the only love that seems to work for me.

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